Impatience.

It's something I seem to have a lot of this week.

I don't know if it's just because I'm not having a good week, because I'm emotionally drained, or because of a reason that is far beyond my scope of understanding. Whatever the reason may be, I need to have more patience.

In fact, I have been so agitated and impatient this week that I snapped three times on Tuesday. Three. I haven't snapped at anyone in a long time. I've been so proud of the person that I am becoming: debating things and dealing with people in a mature and patient way; dealing with certain situations that the old Lydia would have dealt with it in such a negative way.

I feel like I'm moving backwards.

And I think it's because I'm drifting from my happiness. A month and a half ago I was happier than I had been in my whole entire life. I don't have that feeling anymore: something has changed.

When it comes to happiness, I've learned that you have to take it day by day. If you don't, then you start to lose focus.

A ridiculously wise person in my life, someone who I look up to a lot, told me to memorize this verse from the Bible, and repeat it to myself daily:

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow,
for tomorrow will worry about itself.
Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34

I'm so worried that I'm not going to be happy tomorrow, next week, or in 4 years, that I keep forgetting that I should be focusing on the now--on today.

Even though I'm not in Budapest anymore; even though I can't take a 5 minute drive to see Reen and the twins; even though I'm not laying on the docks at the River--I'm still alive. I'm alive and I should be enjoying my life as much as I can.

I'm not going to go into detail about how ridiculously lucky I am to have all that I do (that will be another blog for another day), but I need to start remembering this more. I need to start refocusing on life, day by day.

Who knows, maybe while I'm trying to find happiness, it will smack me in the face....